


Love Behind Closed Doors

by BeezandBitches



Series: Kiss the Human Girl [6]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anathema and Dagon get caught being homos, F/F, Flashbacks, Ineffable Godfathers, Lesbian Anathema, Secret dating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-11-08 12:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20835530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeezandBitches/pseuds/BeezandBitches
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley break into Anathema’s cottage because Crowley sensed evil inside and were worried for Anathema’s safety. Turns out she’s frenching Dagon. Here’s how that happened.





	1. Fish in the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> Anathema Is Lesbian thank you good day.
> 
> Follow me @BeezandBitches on tumblr for more good omens stuff

It was a pleasant day in Tadfield. The weather was as perfect as ever, thanks to an antichrist who had a particular fondness for cloudy summer days when the weather was not too hot and not too cold. The day was Saturday, and Saturdays had become routine for Aziraphale and Crowley to make a day trip out to Tadfield to visit with their little gang of world saving compatriots. 

They would stop by Adam Young’s house or his little fort first, either place was sure to have all of the Them and Dog playing some new game Adam had made up. The kids were always so excited to see the two of them, and even started calling them ‘Uncles’ which brought a small tear to both supernaturals’ eyes. 

After stopping to see them, either the children would follow along to the next spot or stay and finish their games. Today, in particular, they had opted to stay at their fort while Aziraphale and Crowley had made their way to Jasmine Cottage. Anathema always had tea and biscuits ready for when they’d get there. Normally they’d discuss history or the occult or how Crowley managed to scare someone out of the bookshop by turning into a snake and slithering between the shelves. They liked Anathema, she was like a niece to them. But the kind of niece you could talk shit with.

But, today was a little strange, because when they walked up to the garden, Crowley stopped in his tracks, placing a hand in front of Aziraphale to stop him too.

“Hold on.” Crowley said, his voice hushed. Aziraphale turned to look at him with confusion.

“What’s the matter, dear?” He asked.

“I can feel a whole lot of evil coming from the house.. There’s a demon roaming around here.” Aziraphale’s eyes went wide. A demon? In Tadfield? More specifically, in Jasmine Cottage?

“You don’t think that Hell’s trying to get secrets about the future out of Anathema, do you?” Aziraphale said. “Or, God forbid, do something worse..”

“Let’s hope we got here in time for it to be neither.” Crowley said as he went to the door and tried to open it. Locked. Just great. “We can’t just bust in, can we?”

“Heavens, no!” Aziraphale said. “Besides, that’ll alert them. Quick, find an open window and let’s sneak in.”

“Like the way you think, Angel.”

———

Both of them were very, very unaware that the source of the demonic energy coming from inside Jasmine Cottage was Dagon, who was currently being pinned to the bed by one Anathema Device. The witch’s lips locked with the demon’s as she sat on top of them.

The loud noise caused by Crowley tumbling in through a window startled the two of them, making them separate.

“What was- Fuck!” Anathema covered her mouth from her sudden outburst then quickly uncovered it. “I forgot they were coming over today.”

“Who’s-“ Dagon started, only for Anathema to cover her mouth.

“Aziraphale and Crowley, we get together on Saturdays for tea.” Dagon just kinda cocked her eyebrows as she peeled Anathema’s hand from her mouth. “What are they gonna think if they find one of the Dukes of Hell like this with  _ me _ ?”

“Um.. lucky Duke?” Anathema shot the playfully grinning demon a little glare as she climbed off of them.

“I could’ve sworn I locked the front door.” Anathema muttered as she heard the footsteps getting closer to her bedroom. “Quick, hide!” She panicked, rolling Dagon off the bed and having her hide underneath.

“You owe me a lot of kisses for this.” Dagon whispered as she shimmied under just enough to be hidden but also peak under the bed skirt to see what’s going on.

Anathema nodded and tried to fix herself so she didn’t look like she had just wrestled with a shark, metaphorically and literally.

She took a deep breath and opened her bedroom door, only to see Aziraphale and Crowley about to go for it. Each of them had one of Anathema’s rolling pins in hand just in case.

“Anathema! Thank the stars you’re alright.” Aziraphale said, lowering his pin.

“Yeah, of course I am?” Anathema asked, trying to play off her anxiety as confusion. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you see on the way in I sensed a lot of evil coming from the house.” Crowley said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, maybe breaking and entering wasn’t the smartest idea. “Thought a demon was trying to torture you for secrets or somethin’ along those lines.” 

“Well as you can see- no demons.” Anathema lied. Dagon had to cover her mouth to stop from laughing at the sight before her.

“I still can feel a whole lot of bad energy coming from the room..” Crowley muttered as he scanned the room. “Were you doing witchcraft in here?” 

“Yes! Yes, that’s it.” Anathema clasped her hands together. “I was.. practicing a curse. For my occult studies. Must’ve backfired. Good to note, thank you for your astute senses, Crowley.” She reached for the door to close it as quickly as possible. “But, I can burn some sage.”

“What curse was it?” Crowley asked as the two of them walked in the room. “Most curses can’t actually be cleared with just sage.” Anathema gulped because much like actual relatives, the two of them were going to be extra to the point where her lie could crumble. All while Dagon was trying very hard to hide quietly as Crowley acted as an evil detector.

“I can’t remember exactly  _ but  _ I can handle it, don't worry.” Anathema said as she hovered around her bed, trying to keep a good distance between them and her hidden fishy consort.

“You’ve got to be careful, Anathema. Remember what we told you about what happened in the 15th century when those poor girls thought it would be funny to summon a demon?” Aziraphale said as he looked around the room. He blinked a little. “That’s strange.”

“What is it, Angel?”

“I can feel.. love. There’s waves of it in here.” Aziraphale looked around. “Anathema, what’s going on?”

“No idea what you’re talking about.” Anathema sat on the bed, causing the springs to hit Dagon on the back and make her yelp.

The room immediately went quiet. All Anathema could do was mouth ‘fuck’.

“Anathema.. Do you want to introduce us to the monster under your bed?” Crowley blinked, absolutely  _ not  _ expecting this.

“Promise not to be mad.” Anathema said as she stood back up slowly. 

“Dear, why would we be mad at-“ Aziraphale was shut right up at the sight of Dagon climbing out from underneath Anathema’s bed.

“Crowley, Principality Aziraphale.” Dagon waved awkwardly as she took Anathema’s hand in hers.

Crowley was about to McFuckin Lose It.

“You- And Dag- What?!” His voice broke. Anathema nodded slowly.

“Yeah, were going out.” Anathema said. “Have been for.. two, two and a half months now?”

“Nearly three.” Dagon corrected, only to get an agreeing nod from Anathema.

“I- Wh- Ana!” Crowley practically shrieked. He then gestured to Dagon. “When I said there’s plenty of fish in the sea, I didn’t mean this!”

“Crowley, dear, calm down.” Aziraphale said as he held Crowley’s arm. “You’re going to blow a gasket at this rate.”

“Angel, are you  _ seeing _ what I am because there’s nothing to be calm about!”

“Yes but freaking out won’t solve anything.” Aziraphale turned to Anathema “And you, young lady, have some explaining to do. I do hope you have a lot of tea, we’ll be here awhile.”

“Black, I’m assuming.” Anathema said

“With the little biscuits.” 


	2. Grill Me, Thrill Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anathema and Dagon start explaining how they met.

One pot of boiling water and a lot of awkward silence later, Anathema set down a cup of tea for herself, her celestial uncles, and her girlfriend who was currently being glared at by Crowley as if she had just murdered the love of his life.

“So, why don’t we start from the beginning?” Aziraphale said as he took a sip of tea.

“Right, course.” Anathema said as she sat down by Dagon. “Well you see it all started during the spring. I was outside tending to my garden when all of a sudden..”

——

Anathema clipped at her rose bush without a care in the world. It was a nice, normal day. Perfect weather for gardening. She had stew on the stove. Everything was gonna be chill, and nice, and relaxing today.

Until the ground about 5 feet away from her literally opened up. Anathema fell back from the rumble of the ground and scurried back toward her cottage as quickly as possible, watching as Dagon rose from Hell, brushed some dirt off her shoulders, and stepped out of the already closing hole.

“Hum- Ow!” Dagon’s speech was cut incredibly short as Anathema threw a watering can which made direct contact with her head. A great first interaction. “Was that necessary?!”

“You’re the one who popped out of the fucking ground five inches from my roses!” Anathema yelled.

“Doesn’t mean you throw things! Besides, you are wanted for official business regarding the failed Armageddon and the prophecies of Agnes Nutter.”

“Get out of my garden!” She said. “I don’t care what business Hell has with me, it’s not my problem.”

“You’d best watch your tongue, human. You’re speaking to the Under-Duke of the Seventh Torments and Master of Madness! I could kill you right here and now and torture your soul for eternity!” Dagon snarled and snapped as she got real close to Anathema as an intimidation tactic. Unluckily for her, Anathema hasn’t feared shit since she watched Satan be yelled at by a kid who still couldn’t tie his shoes without doing bunny ears.

“Yeah, then you’d have to take it up with the Antichrist. Who, by the way, is coming over in about 15 minutes for his Latin lessons so you’d better leave!” She said, pointing at her gate, then at the ground. “Whichever way you prefer.” 

“You..” Dagon sneered. “Have a  _ lot  _ of nerve.”

“It’s my specialty.” Anathema said. “You can tell Hell right now that I can’t help you with any fucked up plans for Armageddon 2 because the prophecy well’s run dry.”

“And how do I know you’re not lying?” Dagon crossed her arms over her chest and snapped her teeth again, only to get one of Anathema’s signature ‘hands on her hips dead eyed stares’ which read to a person that they were quite literally the dumbest motherfucker she had seen in awhile.

“If it’ll get you to leave me alone, I'll play along. Whole scoop, total honesty. But remember, I got a whole lot of salt and the antichrist on my side. I can and will fight you if you so much as blink too fast.” Anathema said. “And I highly doubt anything from me will be useful.”

“I’ll be back with the full list of questions and concerns,  _ witch.” _ Dagon took a minute to look Anathema up and down. She had more BDE than most humans, because most humans would’ve shit themselves or burst out crying at this point. And it made Dagon want to attack her immediately, but she knew Hell needed anything they could to restart the end of the world. “I expect your full cooperation.” 

“We’ll see.” The smirk on Anathemas lips was the last thing Dagon saw before descending back downstairs. She thought she won that day. She did  _ not _ , Dagon protested. 

She did not… right?

——

“So let me get this straight,” Crowley said as he set down his cup. “This  _ did  _ start as a demonic interrogation.” His glare at Dagon did not let up, especially after that explanation.

“Well.. Technically.” Anathema said as she got a biscuit from a tin. “But you know how I am. I don’t take bullshit.”

“That’s very true.” Dagon nodded. “She gave me quite a run for my honey.”

“Money, dear. It’s run for your money.” Anathema corrected her demon lover sweetly, patting her hand which rested on the table. It was adorable, and it kind of made Crowley sick.

“And how did it escalate to- well, this.” He asked. Anathema and Dagon kinda just gave each other a sweet glance. 

“See, it all really started when she came up again to interrogate me.” Anathema said it as if it was a normal way to continue a story.

——

“So, this can be done the hard way or the harder way.” Dagon said as she slammed a stack of ratty papers on top of Anathema’s dining room table. Anathema rolled her eyes and turned a chair around and sat backwards on it, like a top. 

“I think you mean the easy way or the hard way.” She said as she leaned her arms onto the back. “Unless Hell has their own idioms to go with their own idiots.”

“You’re lucky I don’t know what that means.” Dagon muttered as she opened a file. Point proven, I suppose?

At a single glance you’d guess that there was maybe 100, maybe 200 papers right there alone. And surely, surely Dagon had more. Anathema could feel it in the air like how a dog could sense a tsunami. 

“Question 1: Your relations to Agnes Nutter. Generational gap?” Dagon asked.

“Grandmother. Great-Great-Great-Great-Great one, specifically.” Anathema said as she snatched the paper from Dagon’s claw. “As for questions 2 through 5 I’m not psychic, psychic powers don’t run in the family, yes I studied her book all my life, my whole family did, and no she never wrote another one.” 

Dagon grumbled as she took the paper back from a cheeky Anathema Device. 

“I’ll handle the questions.” Dagon sneered.

“Right, right. Hey, why don’t I be productive and make lunch while you grill me?” Anathema said as she got up. “Hope ya like fish.”

“I created most of the ocean and it’s creatures. I crafted the concept of water with my bare hands. Of course I like fish.”

One trip to the fridge brought out some wrapped white fish fillets, enough for two. Anathema  _ was  _ going to make the other one as leftovers for the next day, but she figured sharing a meal with a demon was one of the less weird things that could happen to her. 

Dagon watched as Anathema prepped their lunch. Whenever she would peak over to her and catch her staring, Dagon would pretend to have her eyes buried in paperwork and grumble gibberish to make it look like she was annoyed. 

“Ok, next question. What is your relation to The Principality Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate and The Demon Crowley, Serpent of Eden?” She asked.

“Oh them. You see, funny story how we met.” Anathema said as she flipped the frying fish in the air like pancakes. “Happened few days before Armageddon. They hit me with Crowley’s car. Now they’re like the weird community uncles who bring snacks to all the kids little league games.”

Dagon kind of just blinked, not sure what to write down for that file. Anathema rolled her eyes.

“We’re friends. Simple as that.” Anathema said as she set down the pan. “Garlic sauce?”

“Only a little.”

“You know, you surprise me. Didn’t expect an official from Hell to have an understanding of food.” She said as she started prepping a quick sauce.

“I’m a Duke. We royals have an official dinner gala in Hell every few decades. They’re very boring but Lord Satan always insists we indulge in all of the seven deadly sins at least once a century.” 

Anathema’s eyes went a little wide, getting the gist of what that meant. Did that mean- No she wasn’t gonna ask. Should she? No, not now. This was literally the second time they’ve ever met you don’t just ask someone if they’ve been in a Hell Orgy the second time you meet. 

“Well, sounds.. miserable.” She nodded, waving away her internal questions as she plated up the fish.

“Next question I suppose we can skip, relations to the Antichrist. I’ll put down unholy mentor.” Dagon scribbled on the paper.

“Hold on a second there, silver scales.” Anathema said as she set both plates down. “I’m not Adam’s ‘mentor’ for any unholy means. I help him with his homework and taught him how to make a compost.”

“I don’t see a difference.” Dagon said as she put down the file and turned her attention to the hot meal. Looked a lot better than anything they had in Hell.

“Let me put it this way.” Anathema sat down opposite of her. “Instead of helping him try to destroy the world, I’m helping him understand long division.” 

“Still a mentor.” Dagon shrugged as she took a bite of the fish, her eyes shining as a result. Tasted a lot better than anything in Hell too.

“Like it?” Anathem smiled as she took a bite of her own.

“It’s.. acceptable.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Anathema isn’t a cheeky fearless bastard, i’m not writing her right and that’s on periodt.


	3. I’m just a fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dagon puts a few pieces together.

“Winning the adversary over with good food, I wonder where she learned that one?” Aziraphale gave Crowley a half-cheeky look that made him blush seven shades of scarlet. Anathema snorted a bit and even Dagon couldn’t help but grin. After taking your supposed enemy on lunch dates for longer than most of written history, Crowley didn’t have a lot of wiggle room to talk.

“Well, I- That’s different.”

“How?” Anathema said. Crowley also didn’t have a good response.

“So, continue. What happened after your little lunch date?” Aziraphale asked

“Well, we still had a lot of questions to get through. And I had chores to do, so we had to make a compromise.”

——

That compromise included Dagon following Anathema around as she cleaned house, asking professional questions and getting the occasional personal question in there from Anathema.

“And you’ve never summoned nor created a chimera?” Dagon flipped through the notes. Some of the questions were a little strange, but Hell had to be thorough.

“Mm.. not that I can recall.” Anathema said “It isn’t in your records that a chimera was at Armageddon, right?”

“No, but a lot happened and no one was cataloging it due to the ‘YOLO’ affect.” Anathema snorted

“I’m sorry, the what?” She asked.

“We all thought we were going to put down our pens and pick up our swords. Which, ironically, are duller than the pens.” Dagon said, rubbing the barely healed pen-stab wound on her arm.

“Well, I can assure you no chimeras were involved. Aliens? Yes. Raining fish? Also yes. Do krakens count?” Anathema said as she turned around on her heel and leaned on her broomstick.

“By all technical definitions, no.” Dagon scribbled something down on the paper in her hand. “As for other events caused by the Antichrist, how many would you say you influenced?” 

“Wait, wait, wait” Anathema straightened back up and shook her head. “Me? None.”

“Not according to your last responses. You shared information about the lost city of Atlantis with his unholiness.” The magazines. “Explained the effects of uranium and it’s radiation on the planet.” When she told him about the power plants. “Something in here about underground spies?” That one, she had to admit, was a little silly in all honesty.

“I.. Guess I did influence all of those.” Anathema mused as she blinked. Strange, and she thought her part in Armageddon was small.

“All of them?” Dagon had this almost frightened look on her face. “Like.. Like all of them?”

“I mean, technically, yeah.” Anathema shrugged. “Didn’t think it would be such a big deal.”

“You.. You didn’t think it was a big deal you practically championed every major change that happened to reality over the course of the end of the world?”

“Well-“ She kinda just waved a hand, exhaling a deep breath as she walked around Dagon, sweeping up at her living room. “It was Adam’s choice. I mean, it’s sure better than the alternative.”

“There was supposed to be a rainstorm of hellfire, not fish!” Dagon said as she followed after Anathema. “And- And Atlantis was never part of the equation, nor aliens! If anything he should’ve made the reactors explode not shut down!”

“I fail to see your point.”

“My point-“ Dagon grabbed the broom, making Anathema stop and look at her. “Is you had great influence over the most powerful being in the entire universe for a short period of time. If you had wanted to, you could’ve convinced him to do really anything.”

“He’s 11, any cool looking adult could convince him to change the world the way they see fit.” Anathema said as she started to sweep again, blinked, stopped, opened her mouth, closed it again, and then continued. “Not in a literal sense. Don’t get any ideas, he’s still on our side.”

“Well, ‘your side’, as it were, wasn’t exactly supposed to exist.” Dagon said “And maybe those two idiots took the credit-“

——

“I resent that comment!” 

“Crowley, my dear, let them finish.”

“Sorry, Angel..”

——

“-for everything. But from all of this,” Dagon shook the small stack of papers still in her hands. “it's clear you were the mastermind behind the failed Apocalypse.”

Anathema scoffed and put her hand on her hip. ‘Mastermind’ was doing much more than just stretching it.

“That’s ridiculous.” Anathema said. “Adam was the one who chose to save the world. I was just helping a kid learn about saving the planet the human way.”

“And- and what about the nuclear weapons?” Dagon flipped through the papers quickly trying to find the right one. “You and that Newman-“

“Newton.” She corrected “His name's Newton Pulsifer.”

“You two stopped weapons of mass destruction by yourselves!” The demon wasn’t possibly the crazy one at the moment. The way the witch was just brushing this off was absolutely insane!

“That doesn’t mean I orchestrated the whole thing!” Anathema groaned. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Am I? It’s more ridiculous that you aren’t realizing what all of this means!” The papers in her claws were nearly torn through from the tight grip she had on them. “Hell will want you for trialing, revenge, possibly worse! That’s not even taking into account anything Heaven may attempt. You’ll- you’ll be infernal and celestial enemy number one!”

It was almost like she cared or something, but it was more likely just the idea was terrifying in general. Like imagining a firing squad being set on someone. So, Anathema watched the look of pure stress and terror on Dagon’s face get worse and worse as each passing thought about what could happen to her when the forces that be found out everything.

“You don’t have to worry about that.” She said, putting a gentle hand on Dagon’s bicep which snapped the fishy demon out of her mild panic attack. “I’m not afraid of Heaven or Hell.”

“Then you’re a fool.” Dagon said.

“Maybe I am,” Anathema shrugged, smiling slightly. “But, I’m also Anathema fucking Device. I saved the world, according to you.” Dagon felt her scales practically set on fire as Anathema let go of her.

“I-I’m only stating facts. I-It’s not like I’m holding you up highly, human.” Dagon spat, averting her gaze.

“I never said you were.” The Duke of Hell grumbled in response, shuffling through her papers. 

“Next question..” She said, peering slightly at Anathema’s tiny grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOO! First update in almost a Month what’s up gays? It’s kinda short but here we are. Anathema has zero self preservation skills but she’s That Bitch so.


End file.
